Lately I’ve found myself feeling terrible emotions. Emotions that I shouldn’t feel because the reasons behind them are so stupid it’s unbelievable. I feel doubt, jealousy, hate, anger, depression, lonely, fear and nostalgia. I feel like a bad tasting soup at the moment

I feel doubtful of all of my abilities, I feel like I’ve either ruined everything or I will in the future. I doubt my ability to go out into the world and make money. I’m barely able to leave the house without me getting so self conscious I instantly get the desire to get inside. This brings fears that maybe; just maybe I can’t get to see the girl I love in America… I sometimes don’t think it would be emotionally possible for me… I really don’t know what the heck I’m gonna do about it. I really don’t.

My jealousy isn’t that of the usual romantic use of the word, I’d have no reason. The girl I’m with is wonderful. However what I’m jealous of are people who are getting to see their friends this summer. Though it’s not their fault or anything like that. I can’t help but get bitterly jealous about it. This is because I know I’ll spend this summer alone with the family friend and probably mum if she bothers to visit… I just want to be with someone else other than my family and the guy who looks after me. But I know without any financial backing WHAT SO EVER, it’s totally not possible. Heck, I don’t even have a passport yet. Some of my jealousy is to do with stupid, insignificant things, like someone getting a drawing done for them when I don’t. This also leads to jealousy over friendship, because I feel that person likes the other person more than me. Petty I know…

For those who are bothering to read this emo-rant, you can be rest assured; my hate is not aimed at you. No matter whom you are. Unless you’re someone from my past off the internet, which I highly doubt. Or my ex Amanda, but that’s a totally different thing all together… My hate is also for my body. I hate it with all my being. I’m a bit overweight, I have hair everywhere. Everything about my body is ugly. Don’t bother trying to say it’s not. I live with it every day. I know what it’s like. It’s why I cover it up, this is probably related to leaving the house issue.

My anger is probably related to all my other emotions… Probably, making them worse. It’s the fuel to the fire. The anger however is aimed at me, as it always is. I’m angry at myself for not being normal. I’m angry at my inability to just go out and have a walk. I suppose it’s because I’m ashamed of myself. I’ve got reason to. And no. That isn’t just a low opinion of me. I can’t function as a human being. I just sit here, in this apartment, silent, no words except those forced. The internet is my life. It’s pretty sad, I know. I’ve probably become to reliant on it… It’s the only thing that’s kept me ‘sane’, if not alive over these past few years

I feel depressed constantly, and hey I went to the doctor’s about it and he gave me an appointment to the local mental health clinic. I was scared, so scared I would be placed on one of their wards that I didn’t go. I avoided it as much as possible, even with mum bugging me about it. I’m worried about what would happen if they did put me there… What if I never get out? But then again… What if it’s the only way I’m gonna be made better?

My loneliness… Now this I’ve felt for many, many years. Even though I have someone who loves me and friends that care greatly for me… All of them are hundreds or thousands of miles away from me… I feel cut off. I have no friends here, no one I can talk to, physically and face to face. This loneliness is also due to my total lack of physical contact. Although I can remember the last hug I got. I can remember precisely where it was, what time it was, who it was with, even how long it lasted. Thanks for the hug chloe, where ever you are now. It’s not kept me going, heh, it’s been what? Three years since it happened? Not even my own mother has ever hugged me and wanted to do it. I don’t think even my gran, who brought me up ever did it either. I think I just need a hug that lasts a long time…

My fear… Probably the worst of my emotions right now. I seem to be afraid, every moment. I fear that one day I’ll come on and Lauren will end it with me saying she can’t wait for me forever. I fear that my remaining friends will just stop talking to me like so many friends did before… In some ways it’s worse than stopping talking with someone through an argument… I also fear that unless dragged or given absolutely no choice in the matter, I won’t leave this place. I fear being outside, I don’t know why, but I just feel so vulnerable.

I feel nostalgia about quite a lot of things. Mainly it’s about people gone, like Sierra or Katy, two people I knew earliest, even before I met Zeph, in Sierra’s case anyway. Sometimes it’s nostalgia about how my friendships used to be. I wish certain people hadn’t changed, but at the same time I wish people who haven’t changed, to change.

Anyway… Sorry for the emo-rant… I really needed to get it off my chest… Leave annoyed comments if you like, you have every right to be annoyed with my self-loathing nature…